InsaneJournal

Current mood:	drained
Current music:	U2, "Moment of Surrender"

Sometimes, the right thing to say doesn't exist. Sometimes, there's nothing to be said. Sometimes, all you can do is hold on with everything you have.


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Alexei and I have been at odds for months now. Since before Christmas. Since before Thanksgiving. Ever since I brought up the possibility of being a surrogate for my sister, we just haven't been as in sync as we used to be. He doesn't approve of or agree with my decision.

It's caused a lot of tension between us, but at the end of the day, I know that he loves me and I know that he'll support me, take care of me, stand by me – for as long as he's physically able.

I've spent a lot of time over the last week…just…thinking. I think that I take him for granted sometimes. I think that sometimes we let the little things get in the way of what's really important.

We all knew this would happen one day, but I think we all thought that one day would come much, much later. All of us, that is, except Lydia. She lived with the reality of it every day that she was with Eric. She knew the risk. She knew the eventual outcome. I know that if our situations were reversed, if Alexei was the one with the terminal illness, I could no more stay away from him than I could willingly stop breathing. I know that I would take every day we had together, good and bad, and I would be thankful. However, Alexei is healthy and I'm healthy and Eric is gone and Lydia is one of the strongest women I know.

I think in times like these, self-reflection is unavoidable. I love Alexei so much. I stood next to him today and I held his hand and I knew we'd be okay. I know he was thinking the same thing. This won't be our last fight. It probably won't even be our worst fight. But in the end, we'll make it through, because all we have is time...fleeting as it may be.

With everything that's been going on, I haven't had the chance to tell anyone except Gabi, Ace and Alexei, but….

It worked.