InsaneJournal

Current mood:

pensive

I'm nervous.

At the end of the week, I'm flying to New York. I'm not dreading it, I'm just anxious. I've got a show in Bryant Park on the nineteenth. Fashion Week ends on the twentieth, but I'm staying in Manhattan a little longer than that.

On Monday, February 23, I'm going to meet with my sister's fertility doctor. If everything checks out, I might come home pregnant. How's that for a vacation story?

I'm trying to be as honest and upfront about all of this as possible. I know Alexei isn't thrilled, but he's being supportive. When the story broke about the girl who had octuplets, I couldn't even look at him for days. Now he thinks I'm going to do this for my sister and end up having a litter.

Gabrielle is excited. Rosa thinks I'm making a mistake. (I never thought I'd see that day she took Alexei's side over mine.) Eva thinks it's hilarious, but she just wants to see me get fat. Jules and Nat are okay with it. Mama…I don't know what she thinks. We haven't talked about it too much. She just wants me to be certain that I'm ready to do this.

I thought I was. I think I am. I'm not having second thoughts. It's just scary to think about the fact that this time next month, I might have a person growing inside of me. A really little one, sure, but…maybe I understand Alexei's point more than he thinks I do.

I'm not afraid of losing him. I keep thinking maybe he'll come around. He'll see what this means to Gabi and Ace and he'll understand my point.

Anyway. I'm scared because I don't know what to expect. Will it hurt? Even if it doesn't, if it works, the next nine months are going to be…something completely new for me. I'm not ready for kids. If I found out tomorrow that my husband had managed to knock me up (and don't think I don't realize why you've been extra attentive lately, baby…stop trying to knock me up), I think I'd be scared out of my mind. I'm perfectly capable of renting out my body as apartment space for someone else's baby, but my own? What would Alexei and I do with a baby right now? We enjoy each other too much to share. One day, yes. But not right now.

This is what I keep telling myself. But the fact of the matter is that even though this baby isn't going to be mine, he or she is going to severely affect my life for a while. I need to start wrapping my brain around that part of the equation. Then maybe I'll feel ready.