You give me something to believe in...
Okay. So somewhere along the way I picked up the crazy notion that once the wedding was over, everything in my life was going to magically fall into place. That's not to say things were out of place before. It's just...I don't know. I'm not really sure what I was expecting.

Let me start off by clarifying. Married life? It's so much better than I expected. The only thing that could make it any better would be if we were actually, officially, living together. Weird, huh? I mean, we are. Technically. I've been through this before. It's just that he's got all of his stuff in his space and I've got all of my stuff in my space and we just...need to find something that's our space.

Not that it's bothering me. Really. Well...no, I mean, it's not bothering me. I mostly just started thinking about it lately, and, well, that's another story, but the important point is...it'd be nice to actually come home...to my husband...and have it be our home.

Although it is kind of funny to still be able to ask him if he wants to take things back to his place or mine. ♥

I guess what's really got me unsettled is work. Elena's been spending more and more time in New York, building up a an east coast base for Arias. I'm not going to speculate on Elena's most recent departure and the sudden change in Christian's demeanor, but as much as those two go at each other's throats, he's been downright grouchy since she left.

This is roughly what my schedule looks like for the next...several...months:

SPRING/SUMMER 2008
MENSWEAR
MILAN: June 23-27 2007
PARIS: June 28-July 1 2007

AUTUMN/WINTER 2007-8
HAUTE COUTURE
PARIS: July 2-5 2007
HONG KONG: July 10-13 2007

SPRING/SUMMER 2008 READY-TO-WEAR
WOMENSWEAR
NEW YORK: September 5-12 2007
LONDON: September 16-23 2007
MILAN: September 22- 29 2007
PARIS: September 30- October 8 2007

I love what I do. I love seeing the world. I love working with my models and I love talking to other designers. Okay. Some of them are bitches. Not naming any names. But a lot of them are so inspiring, if for no other reason than the fact that their creativity makes my mind wander and jump and I just get so excited to see what everyone else envisions as beauty and style.

I just hate that what I do...is constantly taking me away from the people I love. From the person I love the most.

I've been fielding a couple of offers from other companies. Despite the way I left things, Versace is still willing to entertain the idea of taking me back on. I met with a representative from Dior last Friday. Well, it was just lunch. I'm not necessarily looking to change companies. In fact, I've been giving some thought to going in a completely different direction. It's good to know I have options, though.


[Private]
Eva thinks I'm fat.

Okay, that's a lie. She insinuated she wouldn't be surprised if I were pregnant and I insinuated that I was offended by the suggestion.

I'm not pregnant. I know this because last Friday, after my lunch with Elise from Dior, I bought a pregnancy test, went home, and peed on the stick. It's not the first time I've had to do it, but this time I didn't actually think I was pregnant. I guess I just wanted to make sure. Or something. Make sure there wasn't anything to Eva's jokes. Or just...to know.

Not that I really thought I was.

Seeing the proof, though, it made me think. About things. About my life and my career and my marriage. About what Alexei wants and what I want. About whether either one of us would be ready for something like that. Honestly, I never thought I would be. Hell, I'm still not sure. Maybe one day. Right now, I want to keep Alexei all to myself. What can I say? I'm selfish.

But for argument's sake, what if? What if I were pregnant?

That's what made me think. I mean, we don't even live in the same apartment. It doesn't matter with it just being the two of us. I sleep at his place. He sleeps at mine. We're together and that's what's important. If I were pregnant, that would have to change. If I were pregnant, there's no way I could keep up with all the traveling my job requires. Well, I could for a while. Maybe. If I were pregnant....

If I were pregnant, I'd be having Alexei's baby.

There's only been one time when I actually believed I might be. Pregnant. It was when I'd first moved to Italy. Right after the big...break. I was miserable. Stressed out. I cried. A lot. And then I threw myself into my work. I was in Milan for two months before I realized something was up.

I was terrified.

And oddly enough...not entirely devastated.

The longer I waited to take the test, the more I started to believe I was. The more I believed I was, the more I came to accept it.

Maybe even a part of me wanted it.

I never told him. Never called him up in the middle of the night, crying. Probably for the best, since it turned out that I wasn't.

I was a little disappointed. Three pints of gelato disappointed. (Apparently, you can't chalk it up to cravings if you're not actually pregnant.)

How did I get on this topic? Oh yeah. My stupid little sister.

I'm not pregnant. I'm not fat. I am married. I am completely in love with my husband.

I just...really...wouldn't mind if we were living together. That's what most husbands and wives do, right? They live together?

Okay. So maybe it bothers me a little bit.

Just a little.

But not enough to keep me from crawling into bed next to Alexei right now, where he will try to knock me up, but it won't work 'cause I'm on the pill.

Maybe I should join a gym.